Did he poison me?

i wake up and its dark but there are birds and noises that stir memories that are tear stained and blurred its like an excavation of my words and thoughts tipped out for all to walk on i feel suffocated and squashed and that i've lost a vital part in what it means to go on i cant love for im afraid to let go i've lost more than my eyes and my voice i've lost you i can drag myself up though and walk across desert valleys so white in the sun its like snow to an old ruined castle made of stone on my own and inside are the animals that hide and a little turtle friend of mine the only soul here i've met who can take their time im rushed into waking up prodded and asked whats wrong followed and scrutinised and told half lies to put cloth over my eyes but i already realise what is going on here and i've already left all my doubts worry and fear im becoming like you and you're scared this is true so you hurry to send me off into the oceans blue not rubbish strewn with body parts and kids with guns half their size and that hollow sad look that rots out their eyes are we still all human here or do you make that distinction fed by the governments lies and i've barely even cried im becoming like them its in my blood anyway to be cold to my own friends to have armour and strength even when i just want it to end just a cuddle from a loved one or a love song in the backround and i've found that in time we can adapt to anything and if this is a gift of mine i'd prefer it stay hidden im learning new languages but poetry sounds harsh with it i feel my knowledge has been abused a bit im bruised and have ached for weeks im leaking pure lust here but like this desert land it turns to dust and disapears like the salty sand it soaks up all my escaping tears did he poison me or is that you're own fear?